1. |
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before the flood, the nudge, the rush, I had so little to carry
gold colored days, their standstill sway, before the color fell away
now I greet a life from its other side, too far away to reach it
only the memory of it dancing across the bygone verdant earth
you were once lovely
you were once pure
I held you in different light
I held you in different light
once hallowed ground, rot in the earth and poison in the water
anything nice will give its goodness up in time, I know it well
source of my shame, my hatred, my rage, all these selves sent to slaughter
to settle in among the rows in my garden of ghosts, I tend it well
you were once aching
for vibrant life
you once shone with
such life inside
I held you in different light
I held you in different light
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2. |
To be adored
05:35
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I spent so long cultivating the feeling of home
gathering stones to assemble along the floors
gathering ghosts, populating the halls with their mores
I took you for ephemera, halfway out the door
at least I can remember how it felt to be adored
I’ve tried so hard to recapture my sense of wonder
lost to my youth – now the heart is a half-willing hunter
standing at the center of my life
so much tenderness that I don’t recognize
lying in the spoils of bygone life
I have not deserved
I’ve found my way to worth
at least I will remember how it felt to be adored
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3. |
The veil
04:37
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summer wilts behind the veil
fall light gathers in the hills
gardenia, jasmine, cardamom
tracing the past, I come up numb
winter melts behind the veil
spring drifts by, a gentle gale
these vast eclipses of my life
time, as it slips, skims past the eye
when is all this going to rear its head again
and take me down
only a matter of time now
fifteen years behind the veil
it’s all rushed past, a brief exhale
it taught me what it was and then
it twirled me round and round again
a pomegranate torn in half
its breaking sound a hollow laugh
its seed so sweet upon my tongue
can’t ravage what I’m running from
when is orpheus going to turn his head again
and send me down
just when I thought I was homebound
search for spark to no avail
somewhere it’s buried – feel it flail
can’t seem to find the proper switch
to rid this system of its glitch
fifteen years behind the veil
to hold a heart and feel it pale
gardenia, jasmine, cardamom
tracing the past, I come undone
I’m breaking down
I’ve caught its scent for a while now
see you on the other side, now
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4. |
Reprise
01:14
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slow down, my flower, it's not your turn
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5. |
Dreaming season
03:24
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you told me not to misconstrue
but you didn’t have to
I already knew
some things are easily understood
you dug your thumb right in the bruise
the bright badge of my shame
my weakening toward you
is it so legible on the skin?
do you feel bad
for taking advantage of me
even though I made it easy?
my grace a space you wander through
to pilfer from as you choose
I could never refuse you
my time, my makings are yours to take
the only thing that makes me feel
like what I’m living has a reason
turn a new leaf, this dreaming season
the less savory part of the deal
this emptiness, this void of feeling
this helpless treason
do you feel bad
for taking advantage of me
even though I made it easy?
do you feel bad
for taking advantage of my kindness
though I never deny it?
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6. |
Windless
03:36
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it’s coming on again
spoilt fruit spilling over
and rotting the rest
spoiling the flesh
this world is so comfortable
within my rote machinations
keep coming back
decay kept intact
how to feel air
in windless sails
I want to be beautiful
I want to be hollow
I want to be clean again
down to the marrow
[ ]
I want to feel air
in windless sails
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7. |
What the body remembers
03:29
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when it was nearly the end
how many times did I meet you?
sickened at the side of your bed
which of my messages reached you?
everything fogs, they said
becomes a big soup you can swim through
tried to usher you back from the edge
before your memory slipped through
no need to speak of the things
cast aside to be near you
all of the guesswork assembled
into something that nears true
offer a song, he said
it might penetrate, make her come to
lodged in my throat with the pleas
not to leave, I still need you
never a good time to give up the ground
I learned to walk on
I’ll never be ready for another terrain
I’m good as gone
shadowed amalgam of grief
how do I rid myself of you
ghosts of my losses combine
to form a thing I can’t see through
how do you sit with it
all the language memory untethers
all this grief you carry in your bones
what the body remembers
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8. |
Rosewater
03:59
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rise up inside me
my eldest friend, purveyor of my truth
sure in my ear
I can say no to anyone but you
with your hand wrapped around
the tender trunk of my throat
and a grip like a god
only one way this will go
plied into piety
my bones have long been broken by the fact
of only a glance
its pull-away, reminder of what I lack
pointing at passerby
people eager to flout
you know what I deserve
and you’re quick to pay out
all the dreams I’ve had
watched each torn asunder
yes, my greatest error
in my cowardice, you prospered
grew to be my greatest peer
you’re the enemy I can’t pin down
you’re the drainpipe getting stuck
you’re the voice nudging me toward the flood
you’re the flood, you’re the nudge
you’re the voice, you’re getting louder
you’re the child who never calls
you’re everywhere I turn and yet
you’re not anywhere at all
you’re the vulture circling round and round
you’re the timer ticking down
say you’re happy with some loss and yet
you won’t take any amount
you’re rotten down to the core
you’re the thinnest skin to shed
you’re the monster looming in the hall
and the one beneath the bed
you’re the poison in the marrow
you’re the body’s bitter pith
yet most unconscionable of all
is your insistence to live
in this dearth of love
system shrunk and weakened
framework of myself
that I’ll never relinquish
grown to be my greatest fear
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9. |
Iphigenia
03:45
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slow down, my flower, it’s not your turn
to take your flight you have to earn it
no need to rush, no need to cry
much more to see in this one life
slow down, my flower, it’s not your time
blurry dreams, clouds in your irises
the coast will clear if we keep trying
we cling so clumsily to life
come back, my flower, and claim your life
ever so headstrong but not this time
circled by the dead, candled reunion
I will not manage if you choose them
come back, my flower, I’m by your side
gut urge to run, but not this time
you gave me form, you gave me life
what would be left without your light
today, my flower, we’re getting by
they say the trouble is behind us
still I can’t keep from looking back
half of my soul stuck in the past
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10. |
Dans mon île
03:30
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hayden casey
hayden casey is a musician and writer living in arizona.
his next album, ISOLA, will be released in march 2024.
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